we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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