she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
