when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
