this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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