If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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