apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
