Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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