How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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