she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
