I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize