i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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