It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
