I wish my penis had an off switch
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
