Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
