This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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