Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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