It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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