my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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