he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize