Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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