Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
