Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
