you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
