i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
