i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
