I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
