At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
