I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
