So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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