I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
