tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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