At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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