that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
