Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish you could order shots online.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
