I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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