I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
