The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
