the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my liver is dry heaving
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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