I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
