Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
