I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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