one two three fourrrrnication!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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