I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My cat gives me a boner
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
