i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
