Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
