Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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