I just pynch a tree in the face
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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