Swine flu. Run for my life!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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