remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i think i just lost a toe
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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