So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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