Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
