I cannot find my penis.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
