so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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