dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
