I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
