TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
