I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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