my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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