dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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