remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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