his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
