I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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