I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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