in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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