Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you win again, gameday.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
