he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
