Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
